A pitch for the Best Television Programme

For a while now, I've harboured dreams of writing for a living.  Maybe if you're reading this, you can help me. Do you know anyone who needs something written? I'll write anything. Local newspaper reports, auction lot descriptions, obituaries for people's dogs, religious hate mail. You name it, I'll write it. For money.

This drawing is completely irrelevant.

I say I don't really mind what I write, but deep down I know my ultimate dream would be to make it as a "Telly-Pen" (that's industry-speak for a Writer for Television). By chance, my last boss happened to have the email address of a TV producer. He gave this email address to me, and I decided to email this producer with one of my TV ideas.

This is copyrighted, by the way, so try to steal it and I'll track you down and do things that cause you to be sick into your own pockets.

From: Eddy J Baker
To: [Big Shot TV Producer]
Subject Line: A pitch for the Best Television Programme

Dear Sir,

I am reliably informed that you are a producer working for Television, for which reason I am writing to you to propose a new Television ("T.V.") programme your production company may be interested in helping me to realise.

As you may well know, Come Dine With Me is a popular Channel 4 programme in which four or five amateur chefs compete against each other hosting a dinner party for the other contestants. Each episode uses a "fly on the wall" documentary style to follow that week's chef as they prepare and cook a meal for their chance to win £1,000..

The show is famously supplemented by a voice-over narration from infuriating comedian Dave Lamb, in which Lamb repeatedly belittles the contestants for the amusement of the viewers at home. Sometimes Lamb will criticise their choice of clothing, for example, "Look at that awful dress Mary is wearing. Doesn't she look like a Tesco's Value transvestite?". Other times, he will criticise the cooking skills of the hapless contestant ("Gary does not have a bloody clue how to cook that lamb, and I should know, because lamb is my surname. I am Dave Lamb"). And other times, he simply twists the words of whoever is speaking onscreen at that moment ("Beef casserole? More like CLUELESS PRICK casserole").
Please, strap in your face, and allow me to describe Come Dine With Me, With Me.

My new show, Come Dine With Me, With Me, is the next sensation in day-and-prime-time reality Television (T.V.). A typical episode of Come Dine With Me, With Me consists of a full episode of Come Dine With Me, but with an additional voice-over track in which I constantly lambast the professionalism and ability of wearisome comedian Dave Lamb. Over the course of an episode, I would be heard making disparaging remarks about Lamb's narration ("Oh, nice quip there, Dave, did your mum write that for you?"), and calling into question his intelligence and experience ("I bet the only dish you've ever cooked, Dave, was a consommé of your own tears").

I feel this Television (T.V.) programme would provide a valued public service, and would feed audience demand to see baffling comedian Dave Lamb publicly and ritually humiliated on a daily basis. Such would be the appetite* for this programme that I expect the cookery competition in the background to become mere white noise to the audience, like wallpaper to dogs.

 The format could also expand over time, so that my narration of Lamb's activities would extend beyond his voice-over work, perhaps following him throughout his day-to-day life. A camera crew would be hired to track his every movement, while I audibly insult his taste in music, mock his driving ability and constantly downplay his sexual prowess.

It wouldn't even be necessary for the narration to be done by myself - I would be happy to merely receive a 6-figure sum to act in an executive producer capacity and allow a more seasoned professional to harass and shame the puzzling comedian. May I propose veteran actor Charles Dance, or perhaps newsreader and secret skateboarder Trevor McDonald? Or you could pursue the "guest presenters" model as seen in Have I Got News For You. Imagine the viewing figures if one week we have Peter André chortling at Dave Lamb's "absolutely shit hair", and the next week the dulcet tones of Fiona Phillips calling the haggard comedian "a blustering cock-trumpet".

I hope I have done enough to convince you to take on this mouthwatering** concept, and I look forward to receiving your response to my pitch.

Kind regards,

Eddy Baker (Mr)

*I apologise for this food-based pun and assure you that my dedication to this idea is deadly serious.
**Apologies again, this was a genuine accident.

He hasn't replied yet. I am sending this to other TV companies too, so I expect a bidding war to erupt. Might have to lay low for a while.

If you need something written (for money), get in touch using the contact links on this page, and I will write the thing what you want me to write (for money).