Every Halloween I write a bunch of short horror stories, each one the length of a single tweet.
Here are all ten from this year's spooky night of tweets.
I hope they make you fill your pants.
STORY #1Robbie The Robot was always getting things wrong. Oh, Robbie!
The crew would laugh at his silly mistakes. This confused Robbie, so he taught himself what laughter was - even learning to laugh himself!
“AAAAARRGGH!” laughed Robbie, as Sanchez pounded at the airlock. “AAAAARRGGH!”
STORY #2Kate had this fantasy of being swallowed whole by a giant.
The only giant she knew, Ian, was uncomfortable with the idea. Kate tried to sneak herself into Ian’s lunch, but Ian was a notoriously fussy eater and spotted her immediately. Their friendship barely recovered after that.
STORY #3It always seemed strange, a kebab shop right next door to a pet shop. There was a long-standing rumour about a ‘special relationship’ between the two businesses.
Turns out it was all true.
The pet shop was putting doner kebabs in cages and selling them to thick kids.
STORY #4Freddy had been baking all day. Cakes, pies, the lot. For a laugh, he wrapped some leftover pastry around his penis and showed his girlfriend. LOL! For a chuckle, he basted it with beaten egg. LMAO! For a giggle, he put it in a fan-assisted oven at 180℃ for 30-35 minutes. ROFL!
STORY #5You’re browsing a charity shop. You see something.
It’s a ventriloquist’s dummy.
It looks EXACTLY like you. Even wearing the same clothes you’re in right now.
You pick it up and, tentatively, put your hand inside.
Your consciousness transfers to the dummy forever.
STORY #6There was a thud upstairs. Geoff knew he had to investigate... but he was on the toilet.
He decided to finish first. If he was to be killed by a home invader, he wanted to go out with a clean arse.
Didn’t matter. Later, as the burglar killed him with a crowbar, he shat his pants.
STORY #7Lisa had got really into running. Each run faster than the last. Her friends joked that she’d overtake herself one day!
Except one day Lisa was overtaken by what appeared to be herself. She sprinted, trying to catch up with the other Lisa.
Ended up giving herself a coronary.
STORY #8Jane had been lying on one side for almost 5 hours. This Netflix crime series was just so addictive! Her left arm had gone totally numb. When Chris brought her a sandwich, she ate half of it until the feeling returned to her hand and she realised she’d eaten two of her fingers.
STORY #9There’s a cat treat called chicken yoghurt. Our cats are mad for it. Meowing non-stop for the foul meaty goo. Their meows even sound like “YOG”.
One of them’s staring at me right now. We’re out of yog.
Why’s the food processor out?
I’m scared, what’s happ-
STORY #10The genie gave Paul three wishes. Paul tried to be a smart-arse and asked for infinite wishes.
Now the genie asks him, every waking moment of every day, for his next wish.
Paul tried wishing for death. The genie killed him, brought him back to life, then asked for his next wish.