Hello, I'm Eddy Baker, but you can call me Eddy Bee-Keeper, haha, because today we're going to talk about bees.

Whitney Houston once sang, "I believe the children are the future", but she was a shit wrong idiot, because actually bees are the future. As you may have read recently, bees are one of the most important species on the planet, and so if they die out we're all shafted, straight up the wrong 'un. We have to save the bees.

We're in for a glorious summer this year, so you can probably expect a few bees to visit your garden over the coming weeks. But what should you do if you see a bee that seems lethargic, confused or just generally shit? Leave it alone because you're not an expert on the typical behaviour of bees? Don't be stupid, you twat. You need to help that bee.

So here are our top tips on how to help a knackered bee.

1. Energy drinks

Your Auntie Pam's probably already posted an infographic on Facebook about giving sugar water to bees. Auntie Pam is wrong. Tell her this at the next family gathering. Tell her this repeatedly until she runs out crying and everyone's staring at you muttering about why you always have to be this way. 

Sugar is actually bad for bees, because they of course have no means to produce insulin. Feeding these stripy bell-ends sugar is likely to give them diabetes, or should I say dia-bee-tees, haha, but no, that's actually in quite poor taste.

The best option is a sugar-free energy drink. 

Be sure to buy the cans that come with the tiny, bee-sized ring pulls, otherwise they've got no chance of opening the things. Giving a bee an energy drink with no means to open it will infuriate them. It is like a red rag to a bull. Or a red bull to a bee.

2. A pep talk

Some people are just lazy, good for nothing shirkers. Bees are no exception. So before you help a bee, consider the possibility that they are a workshy bastard, scrounging off the state, looking for tiny bee-sized handouts. 

If you do find a zonked bee fumbling about in your garden, you may first want to lecture them on the value of a strong work ethic. Remind the bee that you got to where you are through nothing but graft, a can-do attitude and a 90 grand deposit on your first house given to you by your parents. You may find that the bee realises the error of its ways and flies away to make a living doing whatever it is bees do. Shagging plants or something, I don't know.

3. Helicopters

If you just want to help the bee get to where it's gotta go, one easy option is to build them a fully functioning, miniaturised helicopter. This will save the bee valuable energy, and leave you with a feeling of having done something for the greater good.

The average helicopter should only set you back about £60,000 and require 36-72 hours of construction. Well worth it to send our bumbly friends on their way!

4. A Horse

Horses are big, but bees are small. These two simple facts, when combined, lead us to one obvious conclusion: a horse can carry a fuckload of bees. 

If the initial cost of a horse is prohibitive, bear in mind that you'll need to gather a lot of bees to make it worthwhile in the first place. Why not capture bees as they visit your garden, putting them to work over a period of months or years in order to help you raise the cash for the horse? Given enough time, bees can be trained to perform complex, intricate maneuvers, such as, say, assembling circuit boards. Soon you could have an electronics workshop/sweatshop to rival any Samsung factory. Maybe you end up making so much money that it seems a waste to then release all these bees on the back of a horse. No problem! Kill the horse and sell it for glue. Raise up a bee-based smartphone empire, all of your own! Crush the dissenters! Wipe out the opposition! Rule the world with your bee army!

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