Once there was a young man called Anthony, who lived in a house
and a superfluous ‘h’ in his name.
Anthony was bullied at school because of the superfluous ‘h’.
All the other boys mocked him for his flagrant use of unnecessary letters, and
not a day went by when he wasn’t shoved by Mat, spat at by Wil
and kicked up the arse by Daviddd (Daviddd was, despite his obvious nominal
handicap, overlooked by the bullies. This was due to his muscle-y arms and
anachronistic handlebar moustache. For an 8 year old boy he was quite the
One day whilst hanging upside down from the school gates by his
underpants, Anthony decided that enough was enough: something has to change. He
promptly de-panted himself and ran home as fast as he could. Slamming the door
behind himself, running through the hallway, bounding up the stairs and barricading
himself in his room, he set to work on correcting the
horrendous affliction that had plagued his life for so long.
It was several hours later that the young boy’s parents
and siblings found themselves screaming in horror as an exhausted, traumatised
Anhony emerged from his bedroom.
“You’ve removed the wrong letter, you berk” cried Anhony’s
mother, before collapsing in tears on the landing.
“They’ll bloody tear you apart at school now, Anhony”
laughed his brother.
“For Christ’s sake, Anhony”, yelled his sister, “Look what
you’ve done to mother”.
And as the sister tended to her weeping mum, Anhony’s
father simply glared at his youngest son; all the while shaking his head
It was then that Anhony woke up.
Not because it had all
been a dream, but because, after the letter-removal incident, his father
had then proceeded to beat him unconscious with the latest Argos catalogue.