The People Who Are Ruining The Internet

Warning: This is a SWEARY post. It will contain SWEARS, some of which are BIG SWEARS, many more of which are BIGGER SWEARS of a GRAPHIC  and SEXUALLY-CONFUSED nature.

If you are a) A frail old lady with traditionalist values; b) My Dad; or c) Both*, then please: do not continue reading.


*oh god how

FRENCH OTTER INTERLUDE


Right. The internet used to be a fun place to be. A portal to EVERYTHING, and by extension, EVERYTHING BRILLIANT. A fantastic time-sink guaranteed to entertain, educate, enable and erect*.
*obligatory internet porn reference

Now, much like all fun things, the internet has been ruined by idiots, charlatans, wankers and berks.

I can't take it anymore. I have to let it out. If you're one of the people on this list, I'm sorry.

(Aside: I'm not sorry)


The People Who Are Ruining The Internet

  • Every single person who uses hashtags that are literally just a summary of the preceding comment #rantconcerninghashtags 
  • The great sacks of NO who run those tumblr blogs called "londonlife" and "so london", which simply list things they seem to think are only experienced by Londoners. Newsflash, you myopic toss-rags: people outside of London also look forward to leaving work on a Friday afternoon! I KNOW WHAT ARE THE ODDS RIGHT.
  • The jaw-dropping dullard who invented "International Steak and Blowjob Day", and the awful closet-misogynist fuckpipes who make posts about it tagging their girlfriends. Personally, I prefer to celebrate "International Stop Coming Up With Tedious Themed Days You Lukewarm Jar Of Fuck" Day. Only joking. I celebrate this every day.
  • That one group of Hyper-Tools-From-The-Planet-Fuck-Off who, every Friday, post the same image of a guy throwing paperwork in the air.
  • The shrieking bell-ends on Twitter who get unreasonably upset/angry/cruel towards the participants of reality television shows. For example, being utterly horrible towards the people taking part in a televised contest about baking. A televised contest about baking.
  • Anyone who uses the phrase "Twitter Storm": I want to fill a bath with cat-piss, put you in it, and stand on your neck for an hour.
  • Newspaper columnists who are PAID ACTUAL MONEY to write click-bait articles such as "I Dislike Cupcakes", "Being A Mother Is A Terrible Thing To Be", or "If You Like Breathing, As A Means to Provide Oxygen to Your Vital Organs, You're Probably a Fucking Arsehole". 
  • The harping bollock-chops who angrily share links to the above-mentioned columns, exclaiming their self-important indignation while failing to realise that angry clicks on a website are the same as any other type of click on a website, as far as advertisement revenue is concerned.
  • That one twazzock - we all know this person - who has their iPhone posting onto Facebook minute-by-minute updates from their game of Candy Crush. I should start doing this with Grand Theft Auto V: "Eddy Baker just shot an old man in the penis with a 12-gauge shotgun; Eddy Baker just catapulted himself through the window of a Prius; Eddy Baker just spent 20 minutes trying to parallel park as he was roleplaying a responsible driver".
  • Every person who has ever gone to the comments section of a newspaper they dislike, just to post a comment slagging off the newspaper. They each deserve to have a human hand protrude from their screen and point directly at their face, before a disembodied voice bellows, "WHAT AN ABSOLUTE WASTE OF GAMETES YOU ARE" at 1,000 decibels.